Love, Death, Dr. Cameron, and Life On Mars

So I've been out of it for awhile. I've been living in a strange place too far from home. I found some solace in the American version on the TV show "Life On Mars", that's what it feels like down here. With death around me lately I find myself bothered even more. Death that has all but forced me to revisit thing I don't want to. I have so few places to vent. I talked to Dr. Cameron yesterday. Still awkward. And another wound was opened by someone I only contacted to report a death. I had had hoped to stick to the subject, but she brought it up. Is there life on Mars? Very little. Will I stick with this blog for awhile? Only time will tell.

The Victim

It has been suggested to me that I like to play the victim. This maybe true, but I think it goes deeper, I think I put myself in a position to be victimized, and I do so over and over. I am a person of patterns, and I guess I find some comfort there. People with Münchhausen's Syndrome poison themselves to cause disease so they will get attention and sympathy from others. Perhaps my desire, my need to be the victim is to to get attention and sympathy. Maybe it is just a pattern of my OCD. All I know is I don't believe in coincidence.

Good & Evil and Those In Between: The Explination Part 1

I'm not going to start with the background, that comes later. It also isn't that important right now. This is more about the ongoing reality, the one most people are oblivious to or ambivolent about. The eternal was between good and evil. I'm not just talking about people, but more the forces that move them, and the entities that control them. Fate is an imperfect system, but like anything else the system desires balance, order in chaos. Because of this there is exists neutral parties. It is not that said parties may not sympathize with one side or the other, it is rather that their charge is to keep the balance and, therefore, remain as neutral as possible. This does not mean in order to keep said balance one may not perform deeds, errands, favors, or other acts for once side or the other, because in the end it call all be justified if it balances out.
The job is often unsavory, and unsatisfactory. Let us say for example a neutral person's charge is in danger, it would often be their duty to help, but if that person falls into the hands of a lesser devil's minion or some other unruly shade, and that charge has refused help, or is too blind to see what has manifested itself in front of them, then the balance keeper (neutral party) is forced to sit back and watch, hoping that the outcome for the two will be mutually assured destruction, because in doing so, we trade a good for a bad, and the balance, at least in that case is maintained.
The problem is the system was poorly designed. Whatever some people may call god abandon ship millenniums ago because the project was marked a failure if not a disaster. What was left behind were some true believers, some opportunists, some soldiers, and those in the middle. The world is now falling more into chaos day by day, and as it grew larger more balance keepers were needed, new positions were created but the collective power seems to be diminishing. As more and more of the powers that be are becoming those who side with more evil or at least shadowy elements the balance becomes harder to hold. Today we have even more evil posing as good, and worse, people too stupid to know they are being duped by evil or who are two self-involved to care, the scales are tipping. Timing is running out and the ship is taking on water.
This is an eternal war. Even an eternity is not infinite, only infinity is. This had a beginning and will have an ending, that time is soon, at most only a couple more lifetimes, probably less. War only have two outcomes, there is a winner and a loser, or it is a draw. At this point all those in between can hope for is the latter. All that can be done is to bring this thing to an end at a draw, a stalemate, and mostly likely the mutually assured destruction all both sides, probably taking the middle with it.

...like it always does

I am hating life right now. I shouldn't. The play is going well. But so much seems bad. I seem to keep striking out. I never see L. I might be over Dr. Cameron though. I am trying to advance my skills in WoW and Magic (I'm such a geek), but it has been going slow. I kinda created this blog to get over my frustration and hurt with Dr. Cameron, and to get in contact with anther beautiful woman I could never have. She found somebody, and she needs it, but even if I could have gotten there, I bet I wouldn't have had the chance for even a moment's happiness looking into her blue eyes. Not like all the others, she's taken. Fuck. I = loser. I think I need to et off these new meds, they suck. I hate my fucking brain, but it is better than my fat old body, the bad skin, I'll never be desirable. I know L loves, but I wonder sometimes if she thinks she can do better, or if she settled. People keep telling me I'm a good dude, a nice guy, what is that? Where has it gotten me, but in debt, and pain, and often miserable. It doesn't come from within, that's all bullshit. I just need a change, a big one, a fucking miracle. Will I like the result? Knowing my luck, probably not.

Then it fell apart...

The Insomniac Is Back

I have been exhausted this week, yet here it is after 12 and I have no desire to go to bed. It was my 8th anniversary. It was uneventful. Work is keeping both of us busy. Thursday night we hope to got out for a nice dinner. Thursday I also see the new psychiatrist again, hopefully we will be talking about new medications, and I can start post haste. I talked with Dr. Cameron online last night. What a mistake. It was another round of the same shit. Reminded me of my, as yet, unhealed heart. The elusive, mysterious and enigmatic one continues to be elusive, mysterious and enigmatic. Meanwhile Sara out in Chi-Town has made some disheartening entries. I want to sat something, I need to, I'm just not sure what and if it will mean anything. I wish I could meet her. But what good would it do? What can I give her? What can I give anyone? I sometimes wonder if I give anyone anything or enough. I'd like to help...and sleep.

So Long July

So many days, so few posts. I might be getting lax with the whole blog thing, but honestly there hasn't been much to talk about. I'm kicking off August tomorrow by seeing a new doctor. The hope is this one will have some new insight on my brain, sleep, etc, and maybe start a new regimen of medication. Some relief would be nice, and so would a good night's sleep. My guess is they will want another sleep study. I don't know what they might find that they haven't already, but my bet is they will want one anyhow. Life keeps changing and moving forward, and it seems I have no choice but to move with it. We'll see if I can help some people. It seems that is part of my lot in life. To help others. Not the worst fate. I'm sure I'm here for a reason. I hope this plays out well. Someone once told me though, something bad might happen...

I Am Jack's Parallel Universe...

Life is progressing well in King of Prussia and at Cabrini. It is good to be appreciated for my skills and personality again. I will admit it has been a tough foe months for both of us, but L did finally get her PA license and we will soon add her income into the house hold. The greater Philadelphia area is quite expensive, and not seeing family or friends in months has taken its toll.
I miss Dr. Cameron, but at this distance there was no way we could have managed anything else but to talk now and then. She will be going to UConn in the fall, and this actually brings her a few hours close to me. I'm sure is won't take her long to find someone, or at least some new fuck buddies. She tells me I was more than that. I don't know what to believe. I have made a few friends here, and it is good to see Andy. I may even have a new girl, not a replacement for Dr. Cameron, but good company, and very hot (and horny). Sleep is still an issue, but the schedule is good for that. Life in general is good. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I went to Erie instead. I guess I'd see family and friends more often. But what would that job be like? Does it matter?

Apparently I Can't Have Opinions...

SO I was handed a portion of an email today sent by administration to my bosses. In a nutshell someone (a female faculty member, I don't know who) apparently decided it was prudent to tattle on me for espousing the benefit of Macintosh over PC. I was told, rather threatened by the words in the note that if I needed to "get with the program". My boss was cool about it, but I am pissed. Not so much because of the platform issue (these people aren't computer experts, their opinions don't mean shit), but I was ostensibly told I wasn't allowed to have an opinion. I need to tow the company line, so if I asked, I love windows. I don't. I have have a major probllem with anyone who thinks they can tell me what my opinions are, and hold my job over my head for it. I am not even able to confront my cowardly and uneducated accuser (I have a recollection of someone who I might have had a conversation with, but I know now I don't remember who, and it wasn't anyone I talked to recently, I am positive, if you read this you know who you are and don't worry, it wasn't you, I'm positive now). I am livid, I don't like be threatened or told what to say. I have someone I trust who I am going to talk to. I can't be reach but I am sending a copy of the note to my lawyer, if I am fired for 1st Amendment reasons. I have fought bigger for more and won, I have no problem bringing in legal personnel to protect myself. I can't work in an environment that asks for tolerance and diversity and then censors it employees. I will take this step by step, but I will not back down. My opinions may be strong, but they are an asset, I have been told that by former employers. Maybe I should have taken the other job.

Grey Matters

I had a discussion the other day about age, and about looking my age. I see myself in the mirror. It is unavoidable. Lately though for the most part I haven't been terribly upset with what I see (though I think I'm putting on weight again). Mostly I have been focusing on what makes me look my age. It is true that without my goatee I look much younger. I have a tendency to get carded when I don't have it, but it has become such a part of me. It reminds me of the fact that I have grown, but also it has gotten great favor from those around me (and one person from the past who didn't like it, which makes having it a bonus). (Though I some people lately have given a what seemed like a very unfavorable response to pictures of me without it. :-p) Conversely I find myself debating its (albeit temporary) removal. I can't really say why, it is possbily yhe same boredome that cause me to grow it. Though at its inception the facial hair was a bit of an off an on thing. I have now had it (aside from my brief stint as a security guard where I was forced to shave it) for almost two years straight now, and the better part of the last three. It was part of the post-ESM period of my life. Part of the Dark Ages and the Restoration. As the Restoration seems to near completion, I also have been focusing on another more recent feature.
Over the past five or more years, I have become more and more grey. I think this is due in part to genetics (my Mom went grey very early and I have the same pattern as my dad), but also more affected by the copious stress, nae trauma that occurred during and after I so unfairly lost my job. People suggest that I could dye it, (and with my new found freedom to date here and there, it might not be a bad idea), I can't bring myself to do it. Vanity has never been a hallmark, (even The Stenz approves of the hair), it hasn't changed my obsessive-compulsive need to keep it combed, but that was ingrained by the plebeians in school who taunted me mercilessly if even on hair was out of place. The grey is a status symbol, a reminder of all the hell that almost brought me to my end. They grey is a badge of honour. The grey is a reminder that the fighter still remains. Like Jake Lamotta in Raging Bull said, "You never got me down..." Most importantly though, I like it, regardless of what anyone else things, it is me and I like it. I only hope I have the good fortune of it rapidly turning white. A stately, dignified look, and the one great remnant of yesterday's post traumatic stress. Better grey than gone.

I'm Am Jack's Apparent Lack Of Passion...

What the hell? Some of the women in my life lately seem to think I lack passion, and that I'm repressed. Okay I'll admit I have always been a bit repressed, it is a defense mechanism. I also admit I have done some settling in my life. But lacking passion? It is practically impossible to offend me, but I can't take this one. Most of my friends have heard me go off on a rant about one thing or another now again, and a few have even seen the the frustration, the anger (sometimes rage) and the fury. I have been told throughout my life that I am sometimes too passionate, often unable to control my rants and just letting loose on some crazy subjects, from Micro$oft to Fundamentalists, to Neo-conservatives (I really have little tolerance for any of them). And women. I am so passionate about women. Why? As I said before I'm a sucker for a pretty face, and that's putting it lightly. I am married to a very beautiful woman (who I love very much), and I still like having a girlfriend (which at least for the moment my wife has tolerated, I think I'm polyamorous, and she is giving me some freedom to find out). I need the attention, the emotional bond, the intimacy (okay and the sex). I haven't had a girlfriend for a few months now. I admit I have been depressed. I cared a lot for her, and I admit I still do. I told her so, even after she dropped me like a bad habit. Ironically this is one of the girls who told me I wasn't passionate enough. Maybe I am a bad habit. Women bring out the passion in me. I so badly want to feel important, handsome, needed, wanted, loved. What a dichotomy. Society wants men to be tough and repress their emotions, but at the same time women want men to be passionate. Dr. Cameron told me I was repressed and lacked passion, at the same time she told me I could be too emotional. There just isn't any winning here. I have given away my heart too many times, and I just keep doing it. It usually ends up hurting me, but I keep doing it. If that isn't passion I don't know what is.

Considering Myself Tagged...

Okay I suppose everyone has to do one of these things in their blog sometime so taking an open tag from Holly I'm going to answer a few questions.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF OUIJA BOARDS: Okay they used to creep me out, I had this weird fear of evil and demons when I was younger, I thought I was going to get possessed. I'm an atheist. So it really didn't make sense. I do, however, consider myself a spiritual. At this point I'm really desperate for answers, so I'd probably give it a try.

FAVORITE TV SHOW: This is tough one for a long time TV addict. Homicide: Life On The Street is up there, along with Moonlighting, House, and lately Nip/Tuck and Studio 60 (which they canceled). And, of course, Family Guy, Buffy and Angel.

WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSEPAD: This depends, I use a laptop a lot so I have a trackpad. My favorite mousepad is maroon, which is my favorite colour (Yeah I used a "u" it).

FAVORITE BOARD GAME: Kill Dr. Lucky it is like Clue in reverse, check it out.

FAVORITE MAGAZINE: MacLife (formerly MacAddict which I am).

FAVORITE SMELLS: Aromatic Pipe Smoke, Vanilla, Balsam Incense, Adirondack Air, Screens Before A Rain.

WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD: An anxiety attack, running out of Klonopin, being fired.

BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD: Being in front of an audience on stage, their a applause, laughter, and a standing ovation.

FAVORITE SOUNDTRACK: I a big movie geek, I have over a hundred soundtracks. I love Jerry Goldsmith, from his Star Trek stuff, to the Jazz combo on Six Degrees Of Separation. Schindler's List(John Williams), and well so much of my music that I use to soundtrack my own life.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?: Crap do I really have to get up?

DO YOU GET MOTION SICKNESS: Nope.

ROLLER COASTERS--SCARY OR EXCITING: Exciting. But honestly I never have been on any really good ones.

PEN OR PENCIL: I still do crosswords in pencil (shh, don't tell anyone).

HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE: They don't really ring anymore.

FAVORITE NAMES FOR ACTUAL OR FUTURE DAUGHTERS/SONS: I have no plans to have kids. In the past Madeline Eileen and Kenneth Morgan were bandied about.

FAVORITE FOODS: Chicken French, Lobster Thermador, Indian Food, German Food, Itialian Food, and Garbage Plates (It's a Rochester thing).

DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?: My Dad is an alcoholic. We Get along okay, but have had a strange relationship. My Mom and I usually do, but she didn't help me once when I really needed it, I still resent her a little for that.

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?: Eh. Depends on the day.

FAVORITE ICE CREAM: Peanut Butter And Chocolate.

DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE: Hell yes. It isn't good for my back, but I love the freedom. I raced some stupid kids in mommy and daddy's Audi tonight because they laughed at me for something. I drive an old Buick, and I still beat 'em. I grew up with car guys. It isn't what you drive, it is how (and how well) and how much you want it.

DO YOU SLEEP WITH STUFFED ANIMALS?: Two cats actually, can't get rid of them.

STORMS: COOL OR SCARY?: Cool as hell. I used to go storm taunting. What a rush, standing on a rock at the edge of pier rain, wind and water all around. I'd dare it to get me. I'd love to do it again.

WHAT WAS THE FIRST CAR YOU DROVE?: 1985 Dodge Caravan. I was pretty terrified.

IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON, DEAD OR ALIVE, WHO WOULD IT BE?: Me from my past lives.

WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?: Capricorn. Rabbit.

WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE POET?: I'm not sure. Edward Lear wrote The Owl And The Pussycat, and I like Edgar Allen Poe and Emily Dickenson a lot. I have had limited exposure though.

DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI?: Yup.

GUYS--IF A GIRL ASKED FOR THE SHIRT OFF OF YOUR BACK, WOULD YOU GIVE IT TO HER: Abosultly, chivalry is not dead (and besides that mean she would probably have to take off hers).

IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE?: Mob boss. Secret Agent. Actor. Something like that.

IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR WHAT WOULD IT BE?: I wouldn't dye it. I'm going grey and I love it. I want it to be white by the time I'm 40. Hopefully chicks dig the dignified look of it as much as I do.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?: Too many times. I fall easy, I fall hard. My heart has been broken so much it never really gets a chance to recover (you can see that all over this blog).

WHAT IS ON YOUR WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?: Nothing right now. But I have a set of "Think Different" posters and some movie posters up in my office.

IS THE GLASS HALF-EMPTY OR HALF-FULL?: I'll take a cue from Buddha here, it just is.

FAVORITE SNAPPLE?: Good old lemon ice tea. But actually I like the Arizona Ice Tea in a can better.

FAVORITE MOVIES?: So many. Goodfellas is probably my favorite check out the list on my profile.

ARE YOU A LEFTY, RIGHTY, OR AMBIDEXTROUS: Righty.

DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS?: Nope.

IF YOU COULD BE A GARDENING TOOL WHAT WOULD YOU BE?: That is a strange question. I'll go with Garden Weasel for the comic value.

WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?: Um shoes, things I knocked off the side, cats.

FAVORITE NUMBER?: 42

WHAT'S YOUR DREAM CAR?: I want Vivian back. She was my first car. A 1987 Chrysler Fifth Ave, white with a blue Landau top and leather interior. It was one hell of a wreck (07/31/94).

FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH?: Hockey. Ladies figure skating, tennis, and gymnastics. (I'm a guy what can I say?)

SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU: Holly is really cool, smart, talented and attractive. A strong woman, and like Joss Whedon, I think that is really awesome.